Tiny A's All in a Row
by Wynn
Summary: When it comes for Dean, he's not ready.


Title: Tiny A's All in a Row

Author: Wynn

Disclaimer: I do not own the characters of _Supernatural_. They are owned by Eric Kripke, Wonderland Productions, the WB, etc and are used for non-profit, entertainment purposes only.

AN: Um, yeah, so here it is. Whatever it is. My love letter to Dean, I suppose. Enjoy, or not, and feedback is a wonderful and much appreciated thing.

Tiny A's All in a Row

By: Wynn

When it comes for Dean, he's not ready. He told Sam that he was, before, but he lied.

Dean knows now that he lied.

………..

Sam says he needs toothpaste. Dean knows he needs space.

He tries not to watch as Sam walks away, but he always watches.

He always watches, and Sam never looks back.

…………

Sam comes home with a bloody nose the second day of sixth grade. It's his first that wasn't from sparring or roughhousing with Dean, and Dean hears him in the bathroom through the wall with the taped up tear-outs from old magazines, Metallica mixed with Jordan and a souped-up Chevy just like their dad's.

Sam turns on the water, but Dean still hears him cry. He comes in later with red eyes and a swollen nose, and it takes Dean three weeks to get the whole story.

He answered a question in class that another kid got wrong, and the kid jumped him after school with four of his friends for making him look dumb.

Dean breaks the kid's arm and then he breaks the kid's nose, and then he goes home and burns the chicken and dumplings that he tries to make for Sam.

Sam eats it anyway, and when he crawls into bed that night with Dean, the first time in five years, Dean stays up and watches him sleep.

…………

He hears Sam's first word, sees his first step.

He changes his first diaper when he's four and makes his first breakfast when he's seven. Cheerios in a bowl big enough for them both, Sam in his lap as they eat soggy, sugared Os and watch morning cartoons on the floor until dawn.

…………

When it comes for Dean, he's not ready. There's a wraith in Texas terrorizing a border town and a dream chaser in Idaho haunting a family of five.

There's Sam and his visions and the way his hands shake when he swallows his aspirin four at a time.

…………

Sam soothes his skin with aloe and rolls his eyes as Dean grits out a fuckingshitgod_damn _between clenched teeth. He tells Dean that it was probably a mistake to taunt the firestarter _before_ Sam had finished his incantation, even if it had reminded Dean of his tenth grade algebra teacher.

Dean gives him the finger before hissing out a sigh at the touch like home on the curve of his back.

…………

Sam gets his report card but waits until Dean is asleep before opening it. Dean wakes the next morning, and it's the first thing that he sees, perched on his pillow, tiny A's all in a row.

When Sam wakes up, it's on the refrigerator, next to the menu for Chinese and the reminder from their dad not to drink the holy water again no matter how bad the stuff from the tap smells.

When the next one comes, Dean waits until Sam is asleep and then he takes down the last, adding it to the pile their father keeps in a box under his bed.

…………

He teaches Sam how to drive, shows him how to shave. He tells him about girls one night when their father's away and Sam listens, eyes wide in the moonlight.

He goes to every single soccer game, save for the two that he misses while he's in the hospital, but it's okay because Sam misses them, too, and watches crappy soaps along with Dean while he draws their names onto Dean's cast in red.

…………

When it comes for Dean, he's not ready. Sam's out for toothpaste and Dean walks into their room and it's waiting for him there with a smile.

He's up on the ceiling before he can breathe, and the first and the last and the only thought he thinks is _Sam_.

…………

Sam sleeps and Dean drives. Or Dean sleeps and Sam drives.

They journey together, but they don't drive together. There's too much to say now, and Dean doesn't have any answers.

He doesn't have any answers to give.

…………

Sam calls on Dean's birthday the year that he leaves. Dean doesn't answer, just lets it ring. Sam leaves no message, just breathes for a minute or two before hanging up with a soft click and a hiss, and Dean calls the next day with a story about a priest and a zombie and a voodoo ritual that sounds like the lie that it is to his ears and Sam's too.

Sam listens until there's nothing left to say and then he hangs up, the soft click and a hiss like tears in a bathroom to Dean.

…………

He never lets Sam sleep by the door.

He never shows Sam that he's scared.

He never hates his father for the choices that he's made.

He never understands why Sam makes the ones that he does.

He never forgets his mission, forged in a fire when he was four.

He never tells Sam that he loves him.

He never tells.

He never knows how.

…………

When it comes for Dean, he's not ready.

He's not ready for the pain, for the sharp slice, for the tear across his belly and the slow drip drip drip of blood through his shirt.

He's not ready for the thoughts, bright and clear, the memories flashing through his mind like road signs, fast, fast, faster and the knowledge that he failed Sam again and again and again.

He's not ready for the last word that he ever said or will say to Sam to be, _whatever_.

He's not ready when it comes.

He's not ready, but Sam is.

Windows explode out their frames across two blocks and then Sam's at the door, at his side, walking through fire, and Dean watches his blood drip down onto Sam's hands as Sam pulls him down, pulls him away, pulls him out, and as the world goes black, the last thing Dean says is, _I love_.

………..

Sam sleeps next to him, one hand on his wrist, his thumb on Dean's pulse that still beats beats beats, and Dean doesn't have any answers.

He doesn't have any answers, but he has a scar on his stomach.

He has a brother that he loves that loves him that lies when he says that shaking hands don't matter, that's he's fine, Dean, just fine.

He has a mission but no plan, a road but no home, a father and a brother and a couple of guns.

He has no end in sight but the will to keep going, the want to keep fighting, the need to keep riding.

He has Sam to make proud, Sam to keep safe, Sam to keep sane, and he's not ready, he'll never be ready, he won't let go, he'll never forget, he'll always watch and always love and never know but he'll never stop and he'll stay with Sam until Sam says his last, even if that last is _whatever_.

…………


End file.
